Holidays are a time where, if possible, you reduce or eliminate unnecessary stress in your life.  It is a time to not over commit yourself to do more than you are capable of doing.  You don’t want to isolate yourself from others, but find a balance of being with others and having some time for yourself.  If you tend to keep overly busy during the holidays and hope that they will just disappear, this will only prolong the grieving process.  Find friends or family where you can talk about your anxieties,  fears, anticipations that are related to your grief.

But most of all, be gentle with yourself.  Do what you can and don’t force yourself to go beyond what you can handle.  Holidays will not last forever and you will have time to gain your composure and keep trudging along in the future.

Here’s a link to my ebook in the Kindle store:
Tips for Grieving — Choppy Thoughts for Grieving | http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0063LD5NE Get it today for just 99 cents.

As always, feel free to leave a comment.

Pat Bluth
Author, From Pain to Peace

1.  Your grief will be with you, so I would suggest that you share it with others.  Talking about your grief may help you to let go of it for an hour or two.  By talking about what you are thinking or feeling could bring some relief that others will listen and will understand.  By trying to hold your grief in, could make it more uncomfortable for you.

2.  Now is the time to begin planning how you will handle the holidays.  The more you plan ahead, the better it will be for you.  Talk to your family about what traditions you want to maintain and if anything from the past holidays you might want to change.  Maybe you want to keep the holidays as you have in the past.  There is no right or wrong by deciding to make changes or to keep the traditions.  Think about what would be best for your family and put the plan together.

3.  As you think about what you might need to make coping with the holidays easier for you, discuss your plans with a friend or other family members.  Find someone that won’t judge you for the decisions you make.  Who do you want to spend your time with?  How do you want to spend it?  The holidays will be a difficult time and anything you can do to make it easier for you in planning ahead will be helpful to you and your family.

Here’s a link to my ebook in the Kindle store:
Tips for Grieving — Choppy Thoughts for Grieving | http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0063LD5NE Get it today for just 99 cents.

As always, I welcome your comments.

Now is the time for the bereaved to often have painful anticipation of the holidays. For so many people this is just a way to point out that their loved one is absent. Many parents and bereaved dread the upcoming holidays. It may be because they see others enjoying the festivities and for the bereaved it only causes heartache and suffering.

Holidays cannot be avoided as they come if we are prepared or not. Some tips that may help you cope are:
1. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Normal reactions that may occur for years are tears, bitterness, depression, loneliness to name a few.  It takes more energy to hide the emotions than to let them out.
2. Use the holidays as times to remember. Memories may bring sadness, but they can also bring the warmth of remembrance. One thing for sure is that no one can take your memories away.  Have photos out so others can talk about your loved one and things, events they remember
3. Try not to isolate yourself. Be involved with others around you. This may cause some emotional pain, however, it can help with the loneliness and emptiness. It can be helpful to do something for others.  Experiencing grief with support can be very helpful.
4. Remember what the holidays are about. What can you be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
5. If faith has been a part of your life, can you use the holiday as a time to deepen your belief?
Holidays will never be the same. Someday the holidays may be good again, but it will never be the same. Do the best you can to find any glimpses of joy in the upcoming holiday.

One suggestion I have is to plan, plan, plan.  Where will you go this year?  Do you want to handle the holidays the same this year, or is this the time to make changes.  It might be good to confer with the other family members to see what they are thinking.  Who do you want to be with this year?  Will they be good support?  How will you handle the day?  What will you do to cope with  your emotions.  Will you be okay if you begin to cry?  What options do you have if the decisions you made may not be right as you begin the day?  How will you bring the deceased into the celebration?  What can you do to remember the person that died?

These are just some of the things that you can begin to think about so that the holidays may be bearable.  Remember there is no right or wrong to what you plan, but the sooner you begin to discuss with others how to get through the day or days, may lessen the grief for you on the holiday.

I would welcome your comments.  If you have a Kindle I have published an ebook, “Tips for Grieving” that sells for 99 cents.

You will not be able to take the grief away from another person.  However, by you being there and willing to listen to their grief story will provide them some comfort and support.  When you let the person know you care by being there for them is a great gift you can give them. Most of the time what is needed is a listening ear and to know that others will be there for them in a loving way.

By your offering support and comfort is often enough.  It is perfectly okay if you do not know what to say or not to say.  The best thing to do is to listen and let the person share their story over and over.  Do not try to give them a bunch of advice or tell them what to do or not do.  Even though you may have good advice, it is not usually welcomed by the bereaved.  They are not looking for someone to fix them, just someone to care and listen.  You can help them with their pain by listening.  This cannot be stressed enough.  A loving presence and a listening ear can bring comfort and help the person begin to heal.

Your support should be genuine and from the heart.  The person may need to tell their story in great detail over and over again.  Be patient with your listening.  Each time a person shares their story healing takes place.

When you run out of people that are willing to listen to your grief story over and over, putting your pen to paper is a good way to release the pent up emotions.  The grief, feelings, anger, sadness, depression, loss may be screaming to get out.  Talking to another person and sharing those feelings is a good way to let go of them.  If you have no one to talk to at the time, then writing them down is another good way to give freedom to the feelings.

The way to journal is to take all the shoulds out of your thinking.  There is no right or wrong to write your feelings in a journal.  Just write whatever thoughts, feelings, or emotions that comes to your mind.  Don’t worry about sentence structure, punctuation, or any of what you may have learned in English. Let you words of grief flow out no matter what they are.  If you experience tears, that is okay.  Just keep writing.  You may be very surprised what comes out.  You may have many pent up thoughts and feelings that are waiting to be shared or released.  If you trust the process, writing in a journal is a very effective way of dealing with your grief.

Give yourself the experience of writing in a journal.  It is safe, private, and effective.  Please let me know how writing your grief in a journal worked for you.

Now is the time for the bereaved to often have painful anticipation of the holidays. For so many people this is just a way to point out that their loved one is absent. Many parents and bereaved dread the upcoming holidays. It may be because they see others enjoying the festivities and for the bereaved it only causes heartache and suffering.

Holidays cannot be avoided as they come if we are prepared or not. Some tips that may help you cope are:
1. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Normal reactions that may occur for years are tears, bitterness, depression, loneliness to name a few.
2. Use the holidays as times to remember. Memories may bring sadness, but they can also bring the warmth of remembrance. One thing for sure is that no one can take your memories away.
3. Try not to isolate yourself. Be involved with others around you. This may cause some emotional pain, however, it can help with the loneliness and emptiness. It can be helpful to do something for others.
4. Remember what the holidays are about. What can you be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
5. If faith has been a part of your life, can you use the holiday as a time to deepen your belief?
Holidays will never be the same. Someday the holidays may be good again, but it will never be the same. Do the best you can to find any glimpses of joy in the upcoming holiday.

• Let family and friends help you by sharing your fears and to discuss what is really meaningful for yourself and your family. What is it that you can comfortably handle?
• Decide if you want to stay home or to do something else this year. What you do this year does not have to remain the same year after year.
• Other things you may want to plan are:
o Whether or not to talk about the person that died;
o Whether you can handle the family dinner, parties, decorating or this year someone else needs to take this over;
o Who will do what, when, how, and where concerning the holiday’s needs to be discussed in great detail. Be willing to accept your limitations.

• This may be the year you want to make some changes. Some times change can make it less painful.
o Having dinner or opening presents at a different time may help as then everything won’t be as it has been before the death.
o Maybe try to attend your church service in a different church or at a different time could be considered.
o Let others know that you can’t do certain things this year, like cards, baking, decorating. Solicit some help from others or just don’t do it this year.

• Some things you may find meaningful in acknowledging the death of your loved one are:
o Giving a gift in memory of your child or loved one that has died.
o Inviting a guest to be with you as this could give you a diversion..
o Helping at a soup kitchen or other place for those less fortunate.

• Before making any changes this year you may want to ask the following questions:
o Have I involved all the family and children that would be included?
o Do I enjoy doing this? Is it meaningful to other family members?
o Can any of what needs to be considered be shared by others?
o Would this holiday be the same without this?

Could you have everyone write a memory of the loved one and place it in a box to be read during the day? Light a candle in memory of the person. Give each family memory a tree ornament that would remind them of the loved one.
Remember to just take one day at a time. Do things in small doses. Be gentle with yourself. Accept you may have limitations and can not do everything as you have in the past. Whatever you decide to do this year can always be changed when you are ready to make other changes. Oh, did I say be gentle with yourself? That is key to making the best of a most difficult period. Remember you have lost someone important to you, but you have not lost everything.

If these tips have helped you, I would appreciate you making a comment by clicking on the word comment above and letting me know. Blessings to you.
Pat
www.patbluth.com