10 Bill of Rights for those Grieving

BILL OF RIGHTS FOR THOSE GRIEVING

•The right to handle grief at your own pace and in your own manner without the need to “snap out of it” or maintain a “stiff upper lip”.

•The right to accept your anger and frustration in your own way without having to be a “good sport” so others will feel more comfortable.

•The right to move at your own pace in every area, reserving the right to handle this overwhelming change in small doses.

•The right to be self-oriented, whether or not others label it “selfish”.

•The right to make mistakes and to insure that mistakes made are not those of well meaning friends or relatives.

•The right to protect your independence, knowing that this independence came at a heavy price.

•The right to expect dependency supports, calling in, without guilt, old emotional loans.

•The right to remember the past, without guilt, whether or not it elicits discomfort from others.

•The right to direct your life in a manner to bring you the greatest gain and the least discomfort.

•The right, and the duty to defend and protect the above rights with firmness and dignity.
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www.patbluth.com

Can Grief Ever Be Positive?

Grief is a five letter word that everyone wants to run away from and pretend like it doesn’t exist. I’m sharing about grief so it can become your friend rather than something to fear. Grief is something you will all have to experience at some time in your life. Grief is a natural, normal and necessary process people encounter when the unexpected happens.

That unexpected happening may be the onset of an illness, a divorce, having a disability, being a victim of floods, tornadoes, having a major move of location, or the death of a loved one. Notice I said death of a loved one. Not the loss of a loved one. I like to refer to a death as death rather than a loss because if a person is lost they can be found. Once a person is dead, there is nothing to be found. That may be a play on words, but to me it brings to reality what has happened.

Grief is not something I would wish on anyone, but because of a persons grief many positive things can result from it. It was through my grief experience that I can be writing to you. Without having experienced grief what would I have to say to you? Nothing, – especially if it concerned the subject of grief. Lasting friendships that go very deep has also been brought about because of shared grief. An opportunity to develop a sense of humor can also be contributed to my grief. Grief is painful, gut wrenching to say the least, is long lasting, and results in a lot of work. Grief also introduces you to emotions and symptoms that you may not have met before. These emotions can force you to reach out to others in a way never before, which gives you an opportunity to fine tune and deepen relationships. So regardless of how difficult the pain of grief is, there can also be some positives that result out of it.
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Pat Bluth
www.patbluth.com

Coping Through the Holidays

Holidays can feel like the worst time of the year when a person is grieving the death of a loved one. The rest of the world seems to be in a mood to celebrate when you are not. Memories that are painful for reminding you of your loved one come flooding forth.

The pressure from society that holidays are to be family togetherness and filled with picture perfect joyful gatherings can cause added stress to those grieving. You are bombarded with pictures of families gathering together, presents under the tree and everybody getting along. When a person is grieving, the holidays may be empty, sad, and seem impossible to face. Everything that is happening reminds you of your loved one.

What is true for holidays is also true for personal dates such as a loved one’s birthday, day of death, wedding anniversary, etc. The second round of holidays can be as difficult as the first. Friends are not as supportive as they may have been at first. Most think you should get over it.

Rather than trying to make everything seem normal for the holiday, it may be better to plan for an uncomfortable day. Our loved one stays in our lives and memories and this becomes more intense on holidays.

The sooner you start developing your plan for the holidays the better it will be. You may not want to face the holidays, but regardless, the holidays do appear and you will want to be ready.
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Five Ways to look at Grief

There are many ways you can look at grief.  I will list a few of them.

1.  Seeing grief as a jigsaw puzzle.  At times you will feel like you have it all together.  Then something will happen to make your life fall apart.  The pieces of the puzzle are tried to be put back together, but none of the puzzle fits together anymore.  Everything has changed.  Life seems overwhelming and you may wonder where do I begin?

2.  Grief is like ocean waves coming and going.  Your grief comes and goes.  You feel as if you are making progress and then something happens to set the grief back again.  Two steps forward and one back.  The waves of grief may be heavy at first and really knock you around.  Then the waves settle down somewhat and life feels like it has gotten better.  Then comes times of holidays, birthdays, or other important days to you and the waves seem unbearable.  Time between the rough waves and calm waves gets farther apart.  Progress is being made.

3.  Grief is an open wound with a broken heart.  You may wonder who can mend this wound, this open heart.  Is it even possible?  The healing of a deep cut or wound takes time, attention, and special care.  It is no different with grieving.  Healing is a slow process.  There may always be a scar in grieving just as in a deep wound.  The grief scars can be a sign of how much you loved the person that has died.

4.  Does grief have a time frame?  The easy answer is not really.  The time to grieve is so different for everyone.  For some that can mean, days, weeks, months, or years.  What you will notice is that the grief intensity will change, but the grief will most likely last a lifetime.

You are on a journey to remake you puzzle, fit the pieces together.  Your journey is a time to heal the wounds that are very deep in many situations.  Your journey has many starts and stops and may seem endless.  But to know that all of this a normal to the grieving process and over time will improve.  You will be able to fit the pieces again and find some joy and happiness again.  Hang on to that thought.

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Tips on Remembering the Person who died

Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die?  Of course.  You have a relationship of memory.  Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs, clothing, etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship.  This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.

Embracing your memories can be a very slow and, at times, painful process that occurs in small steps.  Remember — don’t try to do all of your work of mourning at once.  Go slowly and be patient with yourself.

But some people may try to take your memories away.  Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died.  They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house.

In my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.  Your future will become open to new experiences, only to the extent that you embrace the past.
By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

After you read, please feel free to leave a comment.

When you feel alone in your grief

When you feel all alone in your grief and think no one understands, know that God is your friend and will be there to listen to you.

Trust in God and talk to him about your pain and loss.  Be honest with God.  Tell God what is in your heart.  If you are angry with God admit that, as he already knows your feelings.  He won’t be surprised.  Prayer is an answer to your healing.  Grieving is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you lack faith.  The Book of Job in the Bible is a great resource regarding grieving.

Look for God in those unexpected ways.  It may be a phone call from a friend, someone reaching out to you with compassion and kindness, a song with words of comfort that touch your heart.  He is loving you and caring about you in many ways.

Remember you have not lost everything.  You still have your memories.  No one can take them from you.  How you feel today will not be the same forever.   You will be able to live life to the fullest once again.

Give yourself permission to live life once again.  It is okay to allow joy, love, and success into your life.  Believe in yourself and know you deserve happiness.  God loves you, and you can love yourself.

As always, I would be interested in your comments.

Tips for family and friends of someone grieving

So often when a loved one dies, family and friends do not know what to say or do.  Any kind of support is appreciated by the bereaved.  Whether it be a hug, phone call, bringing food to their house, or just listening.  It really doesn’t matter what you say, as it probably won’t be remembered later anyway.  The important thing is you find ways to be there for the family or your friend.

Friends and family acknowledge the death of the person by talking about them.  Bring up the deceased persons name, share memories.  Do not act like the person did not exist.  Mentioning the deceased persons name does not turn up the pain, but gives an opportunity to talk about the person.  Most people whose loved ones died want to talk about that person.  It is okay if they cry, or their pain is turned up.  That is actually helping them work through the grieving process.  Remember that grief shared is halved.

Saying “I’m sorry” is enough when reaching out to family and friends of the deceased.  Just being with the person as support is sufficient.  Friends can be understanding, but should not give advice on what they think are solutions to grieving.  There is nothing better when grieving then someone that is willing to listen.  Give the bereaved  many opportunities to share their story over and over again.   This is the time to be there to do nothing but  listen.  Listening is a powerful gift you can give the bereaved.  Simply let the family member or friend know that you care.

Choppy Thoughts for Grieving, Part 2

Society often gives a person 3 months to “get over” their grief.  If it is a tragic death, then society may give you up to 6 months to get beyond your grief.  Because of these time tables, it can prevent people from grieving.  In reality, grief is ongoing, and often lasting your lifetime.  So don’t let others put limits on your grief.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings.  Don’t deny positive or negative feelings.  Share what you feel with family, friends, or whoever will listen.  Tears are healing.  Sharing the story of how the person died over and over again is an important aspect of grieving.  Before people run out of the need to tell their story, they run out of people that will listen.  Find a good listener.

Grieving takes patience.  Be gentle with yourself and others.  Grief can take a lifetime. Do not expect to be over your grief in a few months.  Give yourself the time it takes to grieve.  Ask for what you need, and then accept help from others.  Take care of yourself.  You are important.

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Choppy Thoughts for Grieving, part 1

One day I sat down to write out some thoughts I had regarding grieving.  After completing what I had written, I asked my husband to read what I wrote.  He said it sounds kind of choppy, hence my title: Choppy Thoughts for Grieving. Over the next couple of blogs I would like to share what was written.

Grieving is a normal, natural response to tragedies and loss.  Death of a loved one is one of those losses.  Grief is a painful process that can be overcome through hard work.  Grief is unique in that no two people will grieve alike.  Its not how you grieve that is important, but that you grieve.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Time alone will not heal wounds.  Active involvement is necessary.  Each person needs to find his or her own way to grieve.

Some symptoms of grief are:

Feeling numb                           Confused                      Loss of control

Change in appetite                 Eating less or more       Loneliness

Hopelessness Tears Loss of memory

Irritable                                    Depressed                    Physical distress

Suicidal thoughts                  Forgetful                       Fear of going crazy

Self pity                                    Worry                             Difficulty making decisions

Sadness                                    Isolation                       Guilt

Anger                                       Emptiness                     Difficulty concentrating

Loss of interest in world events                                     Sleeplessness

Sleeping all the time                  Preoccupied with thoughts of the deceased

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, then know that you are normal in your grieving process.

Please leave a comment sharing what symptoms you are experiencing.  Just click on the word comment and leave your response.

Boundary Waters Trip

This week four women, two canoes, one heavy food pack, and two huge backpacks, head for the Boundary Waters.   Going for five days to relax and enjoy God’s most beautiful country.  Arriving at our campsite and seeing the beautiful scenery is worth the work of navigating portages, and canoeing down stream or across two lakes to get to our campsite.  Having done this several times with the same women, I often wonder what have I gotten myself into.  The work involved to get to the campsite can be excruciating at times.  Following will be sore muscles and a tired worn out body.  Doesn’t this sound like fun!!

While it is work, it is very relaxing at the same time.  Just think, five days, no phone, no computer, no housekeeping chores, and still able to spend time with friends.  It is a memorable time that lasts a lifetime.   Sitting on the big rock, next to the waters edge,  looking up at the stars at night, or seeing the Northern lights is a very spiritual experience.  While there, I can really feel the closeness of God.

The conversations of the women gets rather interesting.  For some reason, while at the boundary waters, we can solve some of the worlds most difficult problems.  Our talks can be calming, controversial, funny, and deep with thought provoking ideas.  Can’t wait to go and wish you were coming along?

Have you been to the Boundary Waters?  Share a memorable time.